Malin Fox & Crow Rudd
Destroy your deadname - or don't
about the poets...
Crow Rudd (they/them) is an autistic disabled nonbinary queer internationally published punk poet, multiple slam champion, Leeds Talent 2023 winner, mentor, workshop facilitator for non-binary writing group They/Us, creator and host of poetry open mic Sad Poets Doorstep Club and founder of the UK Trans Performers Network - basically, they wear a lot of hats.
Malin Fox (he/they) is a disabled, autistic, adhd, aroace, non binary transmasc poet, crafter, artist and activist based in York, where he lives with his partner, child and 2 cats. His work focuses mainly on his experience of mental illness, neurodivergence, and queerness..
destroy your deadname
don't destroy your deadname
set fire to your past life
watch memories turn to ash
and dust and float
away on the wind
wrap it in tissue paper
tie it up with ribbon
put in a box to be kept under your bed
with your old photos and mementos
pack your possessions
into a solid wooden box
and forget where you bury it
because trust me
there will be days when
you'll need to remember
not necessarily want
but deep down need
drown your past self
do not buckle as the bubbles slow
hold his head firmly under
until he stops moving
because you are a product
of all that you've been through
and regrets can linger for years
but all those things
brought you to this place
and that is not a thing to regret
it's better this way
you won't have to think
about it again after this
i promise
that person was who you lived as
and that shapes who you live as
so pack it all away
to be found only after they've
put you in the ground
and carved your true name
on your headstone
it's done
you are free
you just have to pull the trigger
enjoy your new life
try to forget how you got here
what's important
is that however you got here
you did get here
we're proud of you
"the poem is a conversation between crow rudd (left-aligned) and malin fox (right-aligned) on the topic of deadnames, the past life of a trans person and how we process that during and/or after transitioning.
the poem originally started as 2 separate poems, the first by crow as a shotgun piece where they worked through their emotions on transitioning and the stigma around it, and how trans people are told or expected to feel about certain aspects of that journey, reflecting their feelings at the time of writing; the second a response by malin, written to highlight that everyone's journey is different, and not everyone needs to excise their past to have their future, and that there is comfort in holding on to memories and keepsakes, that the journey of realisation and discovery is as worthy of holding on to as the truth of who you are.
the two poems were then placed side by side, and they altered them enough to fit together as one piece, eventually coming to agreement at the end (centre-aligned & italicised) that, while performing, they say together."